Fyre Festival Organizers Clearly On Coke

The Powerpoint used to pitch Fyre Festival to potential investors appears to have been written by a tandem of Hansel from Zoolander and and the guy in the plunging V-neck who sells coke to all the frats at USC. It somehow manages to quote Rumi while also incorporating a bunch of human resources crap that’s sillier than the parodies on Silicon Valley: 

“Our 360 methodology allows us to capture brand revenue in a unique manner: Understand Brand Goals. Ideate. Conceptualize. Execute.”

This is what happens when you tell dumb kids they’re smart. Their Reed Rothchild school of communication gets progressively more embarrassing:

“Fyre has a unique goal and inspiration: The exploration of the uncharted, inspired by and referencing the five elements of the earth.”

We know from scientific studies this type of rhetoric works well on wasted chicks with nose rings. It’s not known how much money the creators of Fyre Fest were able to raise from billionaire yogis. We do know Steve Jobs is dead, so probably not much. Perhaps that’s why there was no electricity or running water. 

By the end of the pitch deck, a bunch of Instagram models, headlined by Kendall Jenner, Emily Ratajkowski, and Bella Hadid, are being referred to as Fyre Starters. While that deserves a kick in the nuts, it’s more pleasant than the term “Influencer.” Anyone who uses that should be shot in the head. That comes later. 

The investor brochure is clearly the work of Billy McFarland, the trust fund bro who co-founded Fyre Festival along with grunting midget Ja Rule. 

Millennials are too pampered and delusional about their place in the world to be sold on an honest pitch about a music festival offering drugs and fucking. They must operate under the facade that whatever they’re doing is somehow in tune with pseudo-mysticism. They’ll gladly buy a product made by slave labor if you wrap it in green, or a thousand dollar pair of shoes if you give a buck of it to charity. They operate based on emotion they read about in a book, but never experienced themselves. Consequently they’re easily duped. 

Fyre Festival presents a real win win for humanity. McFarland and Ja Rule will get sued and lose a bunch of money and have already damaged their reputations. At the same time these shitty spoiled kids were taken advantage of, had their weekend ruined, and were thoroughly embarrassed by being outed as fake ballers and naive consumers. If one of the Fyre Starters had choked on a cheese sandwich it would have been as beautiful as one of those Rumis. 

_{Photo Credit: Twitter}