Buy A Dodge, Get Butt Fucked By Vin Diesel (VIDEO)

Vin Diesel stars in a new ad campaign for Dodge titled The Brotherhood of Muscle. The same name of a gay bar where guys get worn like finger puppets. The Fate of the Furious star and notable Down syndrome success story lends his low-pitched, gravelly voice to a series of commercials targeting straight men. This comes on the tails of Matthew McConaughay’s Lincoln car commercial featuring the wry, poetic musings of a goth high school girl who masturbates to Jack Skellington.

Corporations employ sexy women to pimp out products to men. But they also shill shit with the help of buckets of testosterone injectables like Diesel. Both methods are aspirational. Get the girl. Be the man. Only one of these is super gay. Sex sells. Companies aren’t reinventing the wheel. Diesel isn’t cracking jokes. He’s eye-fucking the camera like he wants to get it pregnant.

Beer companies exploit the everyman’s quest for social acceptance. Fat relatable shmucks toast their mutually shitty lives in the commercials. But Diesel looks like the baby between a GNC store and a used-up Eastern European porn star. He drives a muscle car. This ad isn’t targeting women. He isn’t driving a minivan and juggling four babies. What straight guy watches this commercial and thinks, that’s so me? Watch the guy in the racerback tank at the gym doing curls for the past forty minutes for clues.