Aaron Hernandez Outsmarts the Pats in Death

TMZ had nine people executed in order to obtain a copy of the veiled suicide note Aaron Hernandez sent to his fiancee prior to his death by self-asphyxiation in prison. The letter is a short and sweet little note calling his girl an angel several times and describing God’s plan unfolding in his cell. It’s unclear if the previous killings were also sanctioned from above. You’d have to ask another gang banger locked up for murder. That’s mostly who God chooses to contact.

Based on Massachusetts law, which is something close to real law, but ten percent sillier, since Hernandez exited prior to exhausting his appeals on his murder conviction, he officially dies an innocent man. Legally speaking. It doesn’t mean a ton. He still can’t receive life insurance benefits after offing himself, but it does mean the Patriots are still on the hook for the six million they owe him in salary. That was tabled when he was arrested for murder. Now it presumably goes to the fiancee of the freshly innocent tight end. The fourteen point play. Belichick has to quietly admire the scheming.

If Hernandez had ended his suicide note with “You’re Rich” to his girl, he may have gone out on a desperado high note. Sadly, he felt a need to call out a Savage Garden song from the 90’s. Savage Garden being the Australian boy duet you’d have to deny you liked after the age of twelve or be beaten by male classmates. This becomes the most kludgy coming out letter ever. And an insight into why Hernandez was never cut out for the life he chose.