Mama June Completes Her Migration

Fattening up children and exploiting them on TLC is profitable. “Mama June” Shannon, mother of Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson and Lauryn “Pumpkin” Shannon, finally debuted her new end product body. $75K for a grab bag of surgical procedures. Her 300 lb. weight loss is the center of her WE tv reality series, Mama June: From Not to Hot.

Shannon turned into the elegant 80’s linebacker you see here with the help of a gastric sleeve. Everybody fat before the current millennium wishes they had the sleeve, rather than settling for eating normally. The Mama June surgical team followed up with skin removal on her neck, “bat wings,” and stomach, as well as breast augmentation.

Shannon stuffed her money-making daughter until she looked like Cartman playing JonBenét Ramsey. She played up Honey Boo Boo’s weight and bragged about stuffing her exclusively with “sketti” and butter. Now Shannon is taking her personal health into her own hands. She’ll get to watch her daughter lose her limbs to diabetes at twenty-three and a half. Then she’ll take her daughter’s stump on Maury Povich in exchange for a gift basket. Shannon still has to act like she gives a fuck about her daughters: 

I do worry about their health, but I’m not going to say, ‘You got to eat salads all the time.’ I’ve seen Pumpkin and Alana lose and gain weight, but I don’t want them to end up like I did at 460 lbs. Who would want that?

Shannon is now a size four, according to the Panamanian ship registry which documents her heft. Her transformation hasn’t been an easy one, and there’s been plenty of barfing:

I’m not going to lie to you: I have thrown up, because you can’t over eat with the gastric sleeve. That’s not a thing that I recommend to somebody. You realize what you can and can’t do, and when you do it that one time, you don’t do it again.

Mama June Shannon should consider moving to another country where nobody knows her. Refer to yourself as Wendy and tell everybody how you’ve always been thin but put on fifteen while on a Carnival cruise. This nauseating fat reduction story means nobody will ever think of you as slender, merely, the woman who barfed her way to not fat. That’s no way to go through life. Not without a twenty-percent bump from TLC.

_{Photo credit: Splash News, People}