Kim Kardashian: ‘I Know I’m Going To Heaven’ (VIDEO)

Kim Kardashian still thinks we care about the time she was robbed at gunpoint in Paris. If it even happened. This will be our generation’s moon landing. Right up there with A-list Lyme disease cases. The former porn star and current transitioning centaur took to Ellen to rehash the robbery with the eloquence of a sweet potato. the biggest takeaway is “Things happen in your life to teach you things.” But there’s more:

Automatically your stomach drops. It’s a feeling you can’t explain. And I knew that was it for me. Hundred percent [knew I was going to die. I said a prayer, I’m like, ‘I know I’m going to heaven. I hope my kids are OK, my husband.’ I don’t want to cry, you’re making me cry. But it does happen really fast. It was a good seven or eight minutes of torture, but when I look back and analyze it, I’m like, ‘OK, they weren’t really aggressive.’ It could have been way worse.

Kardashian’s robbers were tipped off as to the vast riches she travels with thanks to her countless Snapchats and Instagram posts sharing details on the vast riches she travels with. Sneaky guys. Right before the break-in she shared her location via Snapchat. Natural selection comes to mind. But all is not lost. Kardashian walked away from the experience a more self-realized person.  

I was definitely materialistic before, not that there’s anything bad with having things and working hard to get those things and I’m really proud of everyone around me that’s successful. But I’m so happy that my kids get this me and that this is who I’m raising my kids [to be]. Because I just don’t care about that stuff anymore, I really don’t.

Since the robbery Kardashian has founded numerous charities benefiting victims of violence. Her Instagram chronicles a life that makes Princess Dianna look like Rob Ford. Just kidding. Two days ago she announced the launch of Kylie Kardashian’s new cosmetic line. She’s taking a piece. Fuck you, Balkan thieves.