Ja Rule’s Fyre Festival Breaks Bad

Ja Rule and his buddies had a brilliant idea. Score some of that sweet ass Coachella cash from the same dummies who pay a relatively small millennial part-workers fortune to hang in the California desert each April. Most of the larger and more successful music festivals grew up in fits and starts with a few hustlers duct taping the shit out of the first couple of years of shoddy attendance as things got started. JaRule wanted FyreFest to go straight to the top, without the learning curve.

FyreFest promised stupid super white people from both England and Seattle the chance to spend thousands of dollars on a luxury music festival on a private Bahamian island. So, the set up to either an Irwin Allen disaster movie or an Eli Roth torture porn flick involving voodoo rituals. In some relative thankful sense, FyreFest goers only discovered the former.

“Fyre Festival set out to provide a once-in-a-lifetime musical experience on the Islands of the Exumas. Due to circumstances out of our control, the physical infrastructure was not in place on time and we are unable to fulfill on that vision safely and enjoyably for our guests. At this time, we are working tirelessly to get flights scheduled and get everyone off of Great Exuma and home safely as quickly as we can.”

Depending on whose reporting you believe, the FyreFest upscale event was either super shitty or legendarily shitty. The flight transportation from Miami was fucked and delays endless long hours. The private island which was supposed to feature high-end cabanas and gourmet chef food tables could only muster emergency survival tents and disaster relief cheese sandwiches in boxes. School busses showed up rather than high-end ground transportation. And there didn’t seem to be much by the way of electrical infrastructure. So about a standard Outdoor Ed setup for fifth graders to learn songs about slugs. 

Headliner act, Blink 182, which should have been a tip-off right there, pulled out of the weekend citing the need not to be incredibly embarrassed by association. Those who made it to the island immediately revolted understanding they’d been shilled out of the money they were saving up for their electric car. FyreFest organizers called a cancelation to the event due to unforeseen circumstances but were unable to get people back to Miami with any amount of expediency. If the undead had risen and eaten everybody on the island, this would’ve had a happy ending.

With every failure in life, you’d like to come away with some valuable lesson learned. The one here remains pretty simple. Don’t be super fucking stupid. Past the age of twelve, you don’t get to be super obviously fleeced without being harshly judged. Would you let Ja Rule serve as travel agent for your honeymoon? What if he rapped about how his group travel packages to Ixtapa were unmatchable?

As this British chick explains in her selfie video when realizing FyreFest is a horrible hoax and she’s stuck in Miami, “this is the most stressful experience I’ve head to deal with in my life”. That explains pretty much everything.

_{Photo Credit: Splash News / @fyrefestival Twitter}