Ask Tyler: Make Me Better in Bed

Ask Tyler: Assume we’re stupid enough to believe you when you say you have sex with lots of different women. What are you tips for being better in bed? 

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That’s called a backhanded compliment, or a front-handed bitch move. But for the men out there who really do want to know how to make a woman cling to you until you decided to cast her aside, I give you two tips:

1. Ever watch a woman masturbate? Do you see her take a dildo and slam it into her pussy for ten minutes nonstop and pass out in ecstasy? If this is how you “crush pussy”, I assure you she is telling her friends you fuck like a alpha prisoner in the showers. Watching a guy jack hammer a chick looks great on porn. It’s not going to make her cum. While you have sex with a chick you need to make sure a part of your body is rubbing her clit. That’s how she will cum. That’s why those crazy Muslims cut that shit off young girls so grow up to be even less happy than even suburban housewives. Think clit. Get that shit done.

2. A huge percent of a girls orgasms are not based between her legs, it’s between her ears. Chick sex doctors say that and you write it off as feminist bullshit. It’s not. You can think of your chick as fuck toy if that’s your thing, but if you act like that she’ll be left wanting and find some other dude. Guys have weird shit that turns them on but will often forgo all of it for any kind of action. Girls have weird shit that turns them on and needs to be served. She wants you to be her punishing step dad or the garbage man she first came to or maybe she likes you in a business suit acting super professional, …whatever. Find out what it is and indulge her with as much fake earnestness as you can muster. You don’t need this crap, but she does, and you’ll be the benefactor with as much sex as you can handle. You’re welcome. 

P.S. If your girl tells you she can only cum while she is on top, that means you have no clue what you’re doing and you’re only there instead of a dildo because you know how to program the DVR. Fix that shit, pronto.