Ashton Kutcher Pillar of Character

It doesn’t make you a great humanitarian to share in your good fortune, though it can if you learn to say the right things at awards banquets. “I do what I can” and “I only wish I could do more” are solid standbys. “This isn’t really about me” will bring down the house and put a waitress on your dick. 

Kutcher returned to his home state of Iowa to receive the Pillar of Character Award from Drake University. Kutcher’s a big get in Des Moines. Don’t hate on Drake. Kutcher’s acceptance speech rambled into various wonder of me territory that brought tears to his eyes, including his failed marriage with Demi Moore. According to Kutcher, the nonstop cheating rumors were huge character builders:

“I’m also probably the first person to get this award for character who had his name splashed across every gossip magazine as an adulterer like five years ago. Character comes when those magazines tear you apart for something you may or may not have done and you gotta go out and perform tomorrow, with everyone looking at you like you might be an adulterer.”

Not everybody has a go-to character building moment like Marcus Luttrell, but, you can spin up something better than that time you may or may not have fucked that blond chick in San Diego. Your wife cracked the world record for Whip-Its that evening. Imagine that’s not the character building moment she calls upon when being handed wooden obelisks.

The scornful looks for the adulterer on the set of No Strings Attached must’ve been Lazarus beams to the heart. You know how old school Baptist these Hollywood film sets can be. C’mon, Kutcher. There aren’t many awards left for white guys, a lot of people are counting on you. 

_{Photo Credit: Splash News}