Scarlett Johansson Eying Politics

Scarlett Johansson told Michael Strahan she’d consider turning her public abortion confessions and Ivanka Trump impersonations into a full time elected office gig after her daughter is older and if she’s still between additional future marriages. Between the two, Strahan stands a larger chance at political success. He has tons of pictures with sick kids and everybody finds his lisp adorable. Also, nobody can accuse him of intentionally trying to look like a dyke. Not yet.

Johansson’s spent much of the premiere week of Ghost in the Shell pretending she hasn’t read the mediocre reviews and that playing the lead Asian manga character doesn’t count as whitewashing since she’s one of the good whites. If you ever want to pity socially sensitive wealthy celebrities, do so over the incessant burden of aligning with the daily program. Hillary Clinton has teams of researchers who do this on her behalf. You only have your Beta males husbands to relay what they read on Mashable. 

Cutting your hair and divorcing soft Frenchmen is for amateurs. Fucking Sean Penn wasn’t the statement you expected. Find an older esteemed Hollywood lesbian and start taking Sunday morning coffee in bed photos. This is the time to regret not actually knowing any Muslims.

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