Kobe Bryant Teaches Kids to Channel Rage (VIDEO)

Kobe Bryant’s entertainment venture is producing videos for children featuring Kobe talking to a “Little Mamba” puppet about good feelings and bad feelings. If you think anti-social feelings are going to be dismissed, you hardly understand life inside the Kobe Bryant “musecage”.

In a weird blend of L. Ron Hubbard and Reading Rainbow, Kobe awkwardly discusses with his puppet the building of the “musecage”. It’s like a zen garden for kids. So, Adderall. It also sounds like something the Geneva Convention strictly forbids during the interrogation of captured enemy combatants. 

Kobe explains that some muses are light and happy, while others are dark and angry. But those dark and angry muses, like hate, can be used to drive yourself to greatness. There’s an animated vignette set to music to explain how powerful hate can be. The silhouette of Kobe fucking the 19-year-old hotel assistant in the keister to get his mind right for the playoffs was nixed before final cut.

If you make it through Part 2 of the “musecage”, you’re only seven steps from the junior version of going clear. It’s not certain whether Kobe sees these videos as an altruistic measure, a commercial tease for his new media company, or he’s simply a weird dude who woke up one night with the word “musecage” stuck in his head. If Little Mamba turns out to be his dick, I’m suing.