The Gwyneth Paltrow Guide to Anal Sex

If you’ve been waiting to stick your dick into somebody’s ass until Gwyneth Paltrow told you how, prepare to unleash the beast. Through her website Goop, which helps rich women ease the burden of excessive disposable income, Paltrow’s second annual sex issue is upon the consensual sex loving world. Included in the alluring “Be” section of the site, a newcomers guide to anal sex.

Sex guides for a female audience invariably discuss feelings and trust and are a terrible bore. This one also guides you toward $900 designer BenWa balls. Imagine the feeling of high end silver packed into your reproductive organs.

Before you rig up a Mountain Dew and masturbation hanky to read Goop’s take on anal, understand it’s written by a bald guy with a bad mustache. Literally the chiding anal stepdad from porn. Also, it’s heavily weighed toward health and safety risks as opposed to practical advice like ‘don’t take bony chicks up the poop chute’.

Understand that the way you see anal sex portrayed in porn is about as real as how they drive cars in the The Fast and the Furious,”

It’s all downhill from there. Men love anal sex for the same reason they make their chicks see The Fast and the Furious and pretend it’s for the both of you. Maybe she can think about The Rock while you’re pounding her GI tract. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.

Nobody with a semi-rationale brain can picture Gwyneth Paltrow enjoying anal sex. Though many can picture railing her tuchas while she talks about the wonders of 1200-thread count Moroccan bedding. She couldn’t even keep a gay husband.

_{Photo Credit: Splash}