Bow Wow Week Long Birthday Party

Snoop Dogg gave Little Bow Wow his rap name after seeing him perform in a nightclub at twelve. He lived well and hard as a teen. It’s remarkable Bow Wow hasn’t been found dead in the alley behind 1OAK with a needle in his arm. 

Bow Wow recently turned thirty and threw himself nine birthday parties with two more coming up. The most recent one took place in Dallas, where he blew fifteen grand. Impressive coming from someone who claimed he couldn’t pay child support because he had only $1,500 in his checking account. He’s probably taken out a loan against his rims. 

Almost all child stars turn out to be miniature adults. Bow Wow is 5’7″. It’s as if the arrested development has affected not only their mental state but their physical development, minimal facial hair, lilting voices, it’s creepy, unless you’re a pedophile, in which case it’s heaven.

Millennials were raised to be narcissists who don’t understand that turning a year older is not an achievement. Look at the gray bearded guy sleeping on the bench at the bus stop. He’s older than you. You should be guaranteed a party every year up to fifth grade. After that maybe sixteen if you’re a chick, eighteen for dudes, and twenty one to pretend you haven’t been drinking since fifth grade. Beyond that you get fifty and one-hundred if you make it.

Men of sound accomplishment don’t need birthday parties because they celebrate practical victories. Like a promotion at work or convincing your practicing Catholic girlfriend to get an abortion. These accomplishments celebrate themselves. Bow Wow’s offering free drinks. Of course everybody seems happy. Half of them thought you were dead. It’s shock mixed with an open bar. There’s no greater thrill.

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}