Snapchat Losing Money So Fast It’s Going to Be Rich

Snapchat is about to become the latest massive dollar tech IPO, meaning Evan Spiegel will be worth several billion dollars and Miranda Kerr finally will say aye to anal. This despite the fact that Snapchat lost $515 million in 2016, beating out the $372 million it lost in 2015. It’s financial filings are pretty clear on the fact that as-is, the company will never turn a profit. Nobody gives a shit. It’s all about teenaged eyeballs.

By coming up with the idea of video chats that disappear before your parents can see them, even if that’s proven not to be practically accurate, Snapchat became the go-to place for teens ditching Facebook. Nobody wants their grandma to see them hot boxing weed in the school parking lot. They do want all their high school buddies to watch. Also, Snapchat conspicuously doesn’t ban nudity. Any social media outlet with legions of teen girls showing off their tits is going to do well. It’s as close to a sure thing in business as there is. Ask everybody who’s ever made money online.

Nobody under thirty is watching television anymore. Girls in particular don’t play videos games, watch movies, or get high at skate parks. Nobody reads magazines or newspapers. Advertisers need to go somewhere to sell cosmetics and yoga pants. If you’ve got millions of millennial eyeballs engaged in criminal cybersex several hours a day, you’ve got the power. Even though you’re losing huge money on the company, eventually Comcast or Time Warner or Google will have to pay a shit ton to own you. It’s inevitable.

You could’ve invented Snapchat but you chose to spend your college years pounding your pud. That brilliant new wallet design on Kickstarter is a pitiful Plan B. Next life.

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