Robin Thicke and Paula Patton Working Overtime to Fuck Up Their Kid

It’s not been novel since Kramer vs. Kramer that dads might want to parent their kids even after divorce. Before 1980, the leased Porsche and Jordache jeans were the sole priorities. Even guys who never dug being dads have to put on the game face and fight for shared custody. Rich parents with a single kid have managed to turn the entire process into a Shakespearean tragedy. 

After twenty years of sleeping together, Paul Patton determined that Robin Thicke was an enormous self-involved asshole. Took some time, but her assessment seems highly plausible. The two are battling over their first grade aged kid, Julian. Patton’s lawyers accused Thicke of being emotionally and physically abusive, regularly consuming drugs and alcohol, and a serial cheater during his marriage to Patton. Thicke’s attorneys fired back that the first two charges were blatantly false. So, tons and tons of fucking other women. Though as a legal matter, adultery is not to be factored into custody determinations.

Patton won a temporary restraining order against Thicke because judges always favor mothers. The rationale being that fucked up divorced moms might mentally scar their children, but it’s really only the dads who ever dismember them and throw them in the lake. Hard to argue the stats.

Currently, Patton and Thicke meet twice a week at a park in Malibu, though Thicke must remain at least one hundred yards away from Patton. An appointed monitor perp walks the kid across the park for a supervised hour with dad. Because Patton has filled this kid with either real or imagined intense fears of his dad, the kid often backs out of seeing dad. Dad kills hookers can weigh heavily on the subconscious of a six-year old child. At their last meeting, Patton sent her nanny who showed up super late. Thicke flipped out and possibly violated the no-fly zone. The nanny called the cops and DCFS and her immigration attorney, just in case. DACA me, bitch. Multi-government agency chaos ensued, at taxpayer expense.

Here’s a good question to ask yourself before you knowingly produce a child with a woman. If she catches me fucking the masseuse and a half dozen other women, will she be vengeful and use access to the kids against me? Important question. Nobody ever asks it. You’re both financially set and he’s already fucking a 22-year old model in St. Bart’s. That poor little kid is the only weapon she has. She will blow him the fuck up if it means making you as miserable as you made her feel. 

If Ireland Baldwin is any indication for how this boy will turn out, book the rehab stints early on for advanced rates. It’s easy to mock rich celebrity kids for turning out shitty, it’s less easy to concede most of them never stood a chance.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}