Mariah Carey Confirms Her Beard

Rumors of Mariah Carey’s relationship with her dance team member Bryan Tanaka were heretofore only rumors. Or technically a paid publicity campaign according to her Schedule C business write-offs. Carey officially confirmed the blatantly staged romance for the first time in an interview with the Associated Press. They stand for hard news.

“I’m just going to be like ‘I really don’t talk about my personal life.’ Because that’s what I used to do and it really worked for a minute, back, a while ago. I just don’t feel comfortable talking about my personal life. … Me and my boyfriend don’t want to do that.”

There it is. The “B” word. And not “buttfuck”. The utterance of a simple term seems overhyped given that there have been at last a half-dozen staged public displays of weird affection between the two in the past few months. The world has been forced incessantly to witness a gay man kissing a woman in a game of heterormative pretend GLAAD has been trying to eradicate for decades. It’s like watching teachers dance at a high school party. Something feels wrong.

The budding passion between bloated older divorced mom and young eight-packed Asian dude with epic dance moves has been hashed over on Mariah Carey’s reality show throughout its entire run. For the ten people who chewed enough lead paint as a child to believe its true. Every fairytale needs a romantic storyline. And a helpful fairy. This one has both. 

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