Lumber Lady Seems Disingenuous (VIDEO)

Of all the how to be a more enlightened person Super Bowl TV ads served up by the world’s most sinister corporate interests, none perhaps received as much fanfare as the 84 Lumber spot depicting the soul crushing horror that are national borders. In the fifteen million dollar ad placed before halftime, a simple Mexican woman journeys to bring her daughter to America, only to be turned away by Mega-Trump standing over the Rio Grande laughing haughtily. Something like that.

The abridged ninety second spot urged viewers to the 84 Lumber website to see the entire five plus minute short film. In the extended director’s cut, the mother and her adorable daughter endure immeasurable hardship only to arrive at the U.S. border and find a giant wall. It’s like an asshole bouncer who won’t let you in the club with all the hot girls inside. The little girl sadly waves her tattered American flag as Jesus breaks his promise to never cry again over Mexicans trying to illegally sneak into the United States to obtain first world social services.

As if by act of the aforementioned son of God, a ginormous door appears in the Trump Wall. On Monster Island this is bad news. A half mile outside of Juarez, pure joy. The mother and daughter push on through to a life exploited by the same corporate interests running all these ads. Textbook hypocrisy is truly the best kind.

In the coda we see the welcoming door was built by a dude with a truck who presumably bought supplies at 84 Lumber. Apparently, the best spot to shop for building oversized portals to encourage undocumented and dangerous transmigration through the Southwestern desert. The slogan, “The Will to Succeed Is Always Welcome Here” appears. There is no logic tortured enough to circle back into supporting the on the nose message in the previous ninety-nine percent of the spot.

84 Lumber’s bold naked plea for not only migration, but illegal migration, received some backlash from the sixty-six percent of the country who consistently vote against open borders. Whatever your Millennial pros at the Portland ad agency convinced you would be the upside of a plainly obvious political messaging commercial, they were wrong. Also, it’s The Super Bowl. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen.

Maggie Hardy Magerko, owner and CEO of 84 Lumber, came out to backtrack. This was likely planned in advance of the commercial spot airing. Nobody’s that tone deaf. Magerko insisted the commercial’s message was in the eye of the beholder, sort of like how you can interpret a punch to the face in so many different ways. That didn’t seem believable so Magerko declared herself an avid Trump supporter and a proponent of The Wall:

We need to keep America safe. America needs to be safe so you and I can have the liberty to talk… The wall, I think it represents, to me, security. I like security.

Interestingly enough, that particular message seemed to elude the biggest ad spot in the history of your company.

The companies who make your cheap booze and heat treated lumber don’t give a fuck about you outside of your purchase decision. They don’t give a fuck about Mexican moms short of the expanded pool of non-skilled labor living off the grid. The fact that every major corporation used the Super Bowl to raise the flag of tolerance and understanding as defined by the Blue States speaks only to their finger in the wind. It was previously in their ass. Next it will be counting money.

You’re a chump if you don’t end up shopping at the store that offers the best product for the lowest price. Or the one that intentionally hires hot looking women to pretend they can help you find the right hammer. It’s definitely not the store fucking up Trump’s beautiful wall with a DIY set of double doors. Drive that truck faster, dickhead. Drone missiles travel pretty fast.