Lisa Marie Presley Picks Winners

Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of constipated rock ‘n’ roll icon, Elvis Presley, and long time failed musician, celebrity, wife and mom, has seen her fourth marriage blow up into a morass of nasty accusations, embarrassing disclosures, and an ex-husband allegedly exposed for child porn. You really had to think that was more likely with her Michael Jackson divorce. Or Nicholas Cage as a strong backup.

Presley had been married to Michael Lockwood for a decade. Lockwood is a long time session and concert guitarist who likes to wear funky hats. That’s his thing. Ever heard of Lockwood?  Sure, that’s the guy who wears the stupid fucking hats.

It’s impossible to follow all the tribulations of Presley and Lockwood’s bitter divorce. Naturally, there are two kids in the holsters to be used as chaff. Lockwood has declared Presley to be a horrible cunt beset by constantly fluctuating weight problems, repeated trips to rehab, and not being nearly as cool as he’d expected when he married Elvis’ daughter. Presley has accused Lockwood of stealing her hard earned inherited cash, being a shitty dad, and delving deep into her closet to wear her clothes. Put these two on your list for your next dinner party. Add wine and watch them go.

According to Lockwood’s attorneys, Presley became enraged when Lockwood asked for $40,000 a month in alimony. She threatened to release horrid allegations against him if he didn’t back off his demands. More specifically, walk away empty handed or I tell everybody you get off on kids. In a more perfect world, you might want to bring this predilection up with or without financial incentives. You did use a ton of clinical scientist time to help you produce two eight year old kids.

According to Presley, police raided Lockwood’s domicile and found a ton of illicit content on his hard drives. You wonder who’s looking to hide under a giant hat now. Though Lockwood’s attorneys claim the whole child porn thing is a sinister setup from Presley, pointing to the fact Lockwood has yet to be arrested. Though you may recall they took a while before snatching up Subway Jared post-home search.

DCFS took the kids away from both parents which means there’s likely there’s more to horrible parent story on the Presley end. Such as whatever secrets Lockwood told the cops about Presley once he’d been burned. I’m not saying she’s a drug addict, but check the second cupboard from the left in the pantry, and bring the bigger scale. The kids are in custody of the County for the time being while a ton of people waste their time trying to sort this out legally. Consider the kids the temporary winners. It won’t last. Genetic destiny is a heartless bitch. 

_{Photo credit: Splash News}