Gary From Chicago Maybe Tried to Rape Somebody

This is precisely why Hollywood champions the common man while trying their best to stay several fences and five bodyguards away. Every Oscars telecast requires a cool staged-live interstitial event to give it the feel of ‘anything can happen’. This while every single camera cut and nuanced Matt Damon reaction has been pre-produced.

This year Jimmy Kimmel ushered in a sight seeing tour bus full of ‘average Joes’ who had no idea they’d be entering the live Oscar broadcast. Get it. Tourists. The weird creepy people who pay for our shit. The most colorful character turned out to be ‘Gary from Chicago’, an older black dude toting tons of cheap merch and an aww shucks star struck response to meeting A-list celebrities in ball gowns. They ran Gary through the line like a chump brought in to amuse the aristocrats. Though most people found it endearing.

Turns out Gary was a three-strike felon who only days before was released from California State felon after a twenty-year bit. His public defender would have you believe he was put away for stealing perfume. Technically he was. Because under California’s three-strike policy, any criminal conviction after two previous felony convictions puts you in lifetime prison. Or twenty years, which probably seems like a lifetime in Corcoran.

One of Gary’s previous convictions was for attempted rape. It was errantly reported as ‘rape’ in the press, which angered his defense attorney because apparently it’s important to note that he was an unsuccessful rapist. Also, she notes he was a teenager at the time. Who didn’t rape a girl as a teen? Err, attempt to rape a girl. Gary gets more and more endearing.

To his credit, Gary from Chicago seems to have found religion in prison as well as the heavyset God-fearing woman also on the Oscar broadcast who he intends to marry next week. He’s also old and fat and raping seems like a chore. Let this be a lesson to the big-hearted people who detest walls and guns save for the ones they insist on using to protect themselves and their property. The unwashed masses are overrated. This is why ordinary people work hard. To be able to afford to get the fuck away from them themselves.

_{Photo credit: ABC/Oscars}