Beyonce Cancels Coachella

Musical genius Beyonce cancelled her performance at Coachella which would have left anyone with a decent head on their shoulders questioning what they paid for. She’s apparently too pregnant to perform. This is why, even if all things were completely equal, there would be a gender pay gap. Men don’t need to take time off to bear children, regardless of what the pussies at Zappos say. 

Beyonce will still get paid a million dollars thanks to the festival’s insurance policy which covers accidents and illnesses such as hurting your back or repeatedly visiting a fertility clinic to have Jay Z’s sperm grafted onto your fallopian tube. 

Coachella will now have to find someone else to provide ambient noise while you trip your balls off. On the plus side you won’t have to listen to your socially conscious girlfriend talk about how talented Beyonce is without providing any evidence to back up her assertion. The animatronic rat at Chuck E Cheese is pretty good too. Adele’s level of self loathing must be off the charts, but it explains the shame eating. 

Beyonce will be back to perform next year, or it could be a body double, nobody would even notice. Maybe next time you purposefully become pregnant, don’t book a ton of shows in advance. It’s kind of inconsiderate to the people paying you to not show up. This is why you don’t get paid the same. 

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