Zuckerberg Going Full Haole

It’s easier for super rich people to be aggressive assholes 24×7. Secretly, everybody assumes you are. It’s almost impossible to win with a gee-golly everyman front. The proletariat will use it against you when you start suing tribal property owners in tropical lands to build your mega beach fortress.

Mark Zuckerberg bought a big chunk out of the island of Kauai and he wants it free and clear and surrounded by a big fence and uninhabited by legacy property owners from the days of the Polynesian kings. Zuckerberg’s already into the courts in Hawaii heavily over the way too tall wall he wants to build around his new estate. Now, the Facebook founder is suing individuals who own tiny subplots of land within his Hawaiian caliphate thanks to ancient tribal bequeaths. The families who have the title to these tiny plots don’t inhabit them, but legally they would have the right to traverse Zuckerberg’s property to reach their native plots. Again, giant fucking wall, Zuckerberg does not want you traipsing through his wife’s yoga classes. Spoiler alert. Tiny tits.

Zuckerberg has made it very clear he intends to pay these one hundred families or so very fair prices for their plots, because that’s why you do when you still have a need for people to think you’re not horrible. Plus the cumulative cost will be about what he makes in a half-day at work. 

This is one of those times you want to hug a Polynesian and tell them all haoles aren’t entitled assholes. Join a King Kamehameha support group on Facebook. If Zuckerberg protests Trump one more time, God will smite him.

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