Superfly Officially Demented

A murder beef against pro wrestling legend Jimmy Superfly Snuka has been dropped after a judge determined Snuka too mentally incompetent to stand trial. Which seems entirely unfair to every Lil Wayne conviction ever.

In 1983, Snuka’s then girlfriend Nancy Argentino was found dead from severe cranial bruising in a motel room she shared with Snuka during a wrestling road tour. Because celebrities could get away with tons more bad shit before TMZ, Snuka was never charged with the murder. The case was officially left open so the D.A. could cover his ass if it came to that.

A couple years ago a newspaper wrote a story asking, hey, how come nobody ever gave a shit that Jimmy Snuka clearly beat his girlfriend to death back in ’83? The case was re-investigated and Snuka was charged finally with the murder. The case made its way to court in November wherein a decrepit looking Snuka started shitting his pants and insisting that Gerald Ford was the President. Nobody had the heart to tell him about Trump and his plan to deport Polynesians with nasty smelling pants. A competency hearing was initiated. 

The prosecution insisted that Snuka was faking the addled grandpa bit but the judge noted that Snuka was too stupid to be that inventive and dismissed the case. She could’ve gone teachable moment with a note to young women not to date roid raging pro athletes with CTE. Or at least spend the night elsewhere after losses.

It only seems like you have plenty of time to get out of the way when Snuka starts his slow climb to the top turnbuckle.