Sarah Paulson Kissed Amanda Peet Then Meryl Streep Did An Anti-Trump Monologue, Your 2017 Golden Globe Awards

Last awards season Hollywood forgot to nominate black people by accident and they felt super guilty about not honoring their mile wide and inch deep commitment to diversity. So they invited Idris Elba and Will.i.am into the Academy and promised never again.

Somewhere between ninety-nine and statistically rounded-up one-hundred percent of the entertainment industry expected the 2017 Award season blather to focus on the first women ever in the White House. Versace probably had I’m With Her in sequins and diamonds on no less than forty gowns to be worn once then used to strangle third world babies in their sleep. The Trump victory threw the entire town for an enormous loop. If Guatemala invaded the U.S., there’d be less cosmic angst in the Thirty Mile Zone. More nannies to choose from. The day after the election is likely when Meryl Streep started practicing her Golden Globes monologue pointing out how actors come from all over the U.S. and the world with various Dickensian backgrounds. Quick, name another industry where you can so easily pick out a dozen people who have middle class backgrounds AND one of them has to come from Ohio. I’m drawing a blank. Asphalt mixing maybe? 

The problem with being so obviously self-important is that a ton of people will hate you even if your cause is curing kids with cancer. In my infinite goodness, here’s how I’m going to end Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Shut the fuck up, asswipe. I’d rather my son died than hear you talk another minute. It’s the equivalent of having poo breath. It’s a very off-putting quality.

Earnestly humble people can get away with sharp political barbs and even people who don’t align with the politics will have to admit it’s worth noting. Putting trained actors’s pauses and measured beats into a rip on Trump while contrasting the relative moral superiority of people who make The People vs. OJ Simpson is winning a room but losing the world. I can make Viola Davis and Annette Benning cry. One’s had a hard life; the other is bumping Xanax while her husband is in the bathroom at seventy-nine still fucking other women.

You can never win an argument by making announcements. It’s dangerous to surround yourself with only like minded people. Also, vegans. We’ve reached the point where Hollywood anti-Trump rants have to be classified as masturbation. You can glitz it up with fancy words and hushed tones, we know the point is to grunt and cum. Most people have the decency to do it in private.

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