Mariah Carey’s Boyfriend Just Got Gayer

Mariah Carey’s new reality show features her gay boyfriend Bryan Tanaka jumping out of a cake and giving her a lap dance. They were initially going to do it the other way around, but Tanaka is a dancer and there’s a good chance he’d never walk again. Billionaire media heir James Packer just became Chris Humphries 2.0, as the show features a bunch of poorly scripted action leading up to Carey eventually cheating on Packer with the gay guy. Most people would go out of their way to hide incidents of being unfaithful, let alone stage elaborate displays of pretend. Tanaka talked to a few of his bros about it on the show. When are we going to move past this shit? As soon as people stop watching. Let’s pray this is the death knell: 

“James came into town and it looks like she’s really happy. I feel like I just made a big mistake… My adrenaline just took over and then I turn into Magic Mike. Actually, like Magic Tanaka.”

More like Magic Johnson. Most enlightened people believe certain people are born into the wrong gender and that being gay is not a choice. Even that you can switch from boy to girl midday and back again for dinner. But nobody, in their heart of hearts, thinks this guy doesn’t love cock.

Perhaps not all effeminate backup dancers who give lap dances are homosexuals. Maybe all gay porn performers aren’t either. But those ones stick out like a sore thumb, they don’t live and breath the stuff like Tanaka. If you’re really into pussy and an in shape young dude, you’re also not fucking Mariah Carey nor are you familiar with her song catalog. You know it’s getting bad when you can’t find a guy who will bang you. Maybe we’re getting close to the end of the genre. Grab your rosaries or butt plugs and look toward the heavens. 

_{Photo Credit: E!}