Sarah Jessica Parker Expanding

In case you were wondering where you might find $400 colorful shoes while in Maryland, Sarah Jessica Parker has you freshly covered. The style maven and wife to an unconvincing Mathew Broderick has been raking in cash selling her madly inventive “rainbow colored” line of shoes and other shmata transshipped through Italy to department stores. Now she’s now opening her own brick and mortal retail. Her first launch is at the new MGM National Harbor hotel and casino complex along the Potomac a few miles outside D.C. Maryland has quietly been relaxing all of their gambling laws in the past decade to make up for lost tourism dollars related to The Wire.

Sarah Jessica Parker is considered a hero to many women who always rooted for an unsexy woman to become a sex symbol on television and in the magazines. To show their support, they pay an unnecessarily high retail markup for her products. It would be more damning of a gender if male sports fans didn’t pay $130 for authentic team jerseys. Yes, you might be asked to sub in at outside linebacker this Sunday. Never know.

Parker wants everybody to know how late she stayed up the night before the store opening to make everything look perfect. Also, she spent five minutes signing the licensing deal last Spring. That would be the sum total of her efforts. God bless blind consumerism. If you can’t afford the items in the $500 range in the store, Parker’s offering more affordable options like her $48 scented candle. It’s the same aroma she uses to cover up the smell of vomit in her powder room. Good girls don’t digest. That’s not how you maintain double digits on the scale. If you look at her hands you’re guaranteed seven years bad erections.

_{Photo credit: FameFlynet}