Mariah Carey Breaking the Law… of Physics, Get It, Fuck You, She’s Enormous (VIDEO)

It could be said that everything I’ve written about Mariah Carey in the past several years is one cheap fat joke. You got me. It’s not funny when your grandma gets so fat her tits spill out at holiday parties because she refuses to upsize her wardrobe. In sharp contrast, it’s hilarious when the very same thing happens to Mariah Carey nightly. Imbibing eggnog by the liter has caused her to recite her measurement to her seamstress in European sizes. Maybe so in her ribald British persona of Bianca. You can hardly taste the Bacardi 151.

Carey performed at the Beacon Theater in New York where she rang in the holidays the way Jesus would’ve wanted. With nary but two pieces of duct tape keeping her bloated vessels at bay and her super gay boyfriend by her side. She introduces him like Trump introduces his cabinet picks. Isn’t he wonderful. Everybody loves him. Tons of straight men are HIV positive, shut up your face. Bryan. Eggnog!