Angelina Jolie Master Plans

According to sources that keep ringing TMZ’s ear, Angelina Jolie’s ten year plan remains a move to England with her six United Colors of Benetton kids and an ultimate push for the Secretary General of the United Nations gig. She remains the only attractive women ever to be interested in the United Nations. Don’t bring it up when hitting on chicks at the bar. You’ll draw a blank.

Jolie apparently keeps two British political consultants on retainer and has set up a war room in England where she is plotting her split from Brad Pitt and full custody of the children and her ascension to the big gig. This would explain why she brought vast local, state, and federal law enforcement resources to bear on allegations Pitt was abusing the children. An allegation investigated and dismissed by all law enforcement agencies. You didn’t see that on page one of any paper. Pitt apparently isn’t onboard for Jolie hauling the family brood off to Syria and Lebanon and other shitty hellholes where United Nations officials go to witness war damage and cornhole women of all creeds.

As always, the presiding rule is, don’t marry crazy. Certainly don’t make babies. If you’re looking for warning signs, consider finding your girlfriend in the basement with a bloody scythe and her eviscerated fallopian tubes mumbling about future cancer. Also, she says sports are stupid. Pitt is sadly infantile and needy for a dude who’s been afforded the luxury of fucking whoever the hell he wants for the past thirty years. These couplings don’t happen by accident. If you’re betting on who comes out stronger, back the more emotionally rugged Jolie. Fit the coronation gowns now. It’s the U.N. Like anybody gives a shit.