Zayn Malik’s Memoirs Seem Particularly Bereft

Celebrity memoirs are being churned out for progressively younger celebrities. Books come easier when you don’t write them yourself. This boy band singer is twenty-three. He’s not even sharing his best stories of his crazy long four year career. Those involve fucking tons of teenaged girls on every continent around the globe. Or not. Invent some shit. We’d easily assume it’s true and you’d have some foundation for your life’s summation.

Zayn Malik is the kid from the X-Factor assembled boy band, One Direction, who was always considered the sensitive one. That may have been a vague reference to being the ethnic face in an otherwise white boy group. Or the fact he’s got resting bitchy face. His fragile persona played itself out when he was the first to quit the band, citing anxiety and fatigue. The kind of shit you shouldn’t have at twenty from private jet trips and partying and coordinated dancing on stage for ninety minutes in front of screaming Japanese girls.

His memoirs, dully entitled, Zayn, provide little in the way of life experiences outside of his relatively brief boy band stint. His publicists threw out shocking talking points such as Mailk being diagnosed with ADHD in school and developing an eating disorder from all the boy band stress:

“It wasn’t as though I had any concerns about my weight or anything like that. I’d just go for days—sometimes two or three days straight—without eating anything at all. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn’t recognize it for what it was.”

In subsequent interviews Malik made it clear that he was never officially diagnosed with an eating disorder and missing meals was likely stress from the long tour. Way to walk back the talking point designed to get young girls to buy your book.

This kid has cash and is banging Gigi Hadid. Life isn’t too horrible. Maybe you hold off on the memoirs business until you’ve got something to say. Or are willing to make up some decent shit like Amy Schumer who suddenly remembered her first sexual experience in high school with her boyfriend was sexual assault. ADHD is very last decade. Rape is super now. Frame yourself as a survivor and move some copies. Generously excerpt from Marcus Luttrell’s accounts of Operation Redwing and replace Taliban with poor room service at the Innsbruck Hilton. Trust that your readers won’t know the difference. They won’t.