Taylor Swift Ass Grab Trial Gets Underway

Somebody goosed Taylor Swift backstage at a 2013 holiday concert meet and greet. Swift insisted that Denver local radio DJ David Mueller stuck his hand up her skirt and grabbed her bare cheek during a photo op. That’s so fucking Mueller. Except Mueller claims it was another dude who worked at the same radio station. While pretty much everybody thought to themselves that Swift’s ass is far too flat and matronly for a decent pinch.

Mueller was fired from his radio station gig because Taylor Swift is somewhat important in the music business. Mueller claimed he was slandered and sued Swift. She and her legal team of half the attorneys licensed in the United States and Guam filed a countersuit against Mueller for sexual assault and battery. Which seems like a charge you go to the police with in the first place. Unless you happen to know the cops all sell the evidentiary filings to TMZ.

Really famous people like Taylor Swift hate going to trial because they end up in deposition having to say shit like this:

As soon as he grabbed my ass, I became shocked and withdrawn and was barely able to say, ‘Thanks for coming,’ which is what I say to everybody. It was like somebody switched the lights off in my personality.

Whoa, maybe his hand is responsible for your muttering, but you can’t blame any guy for that turning off the personality lights thing. That seems congenital. 

There’s a photo of the groping moment that supposedly provides some evidence to support Swift’s claim. Swift’s team has fought hard to keep that Zapruder shot under court seal. In the old days when a girl got ass grabbed, she’d tell her big brother or dad and he’d go punch somebody in the nose. That was so primitive. Now is much better with law suits and angry Lady Gaga songs and Federal civil rights actions clogging up the courts. If we can’t adjudicate grab ass, we are not a nation. Let’s see the picture. I want the horror of it all.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}