Reggie Bush Sucks at Abortions

Reggie Bush had a promising career ahead of him in the NFL until he had to start fucking a Kardashian. That kind of vagina changes a man. Epidemiologically. It’s also a slap in the face of karma. Even James Harden isn’t receiving an obligatory foul call every time he dribbles into the paint as before. That time your Kardashian sister screamed when you accidentally came in her hair extensions was your first clue. The orc army being hatched in the basement was the second.

Monique Exposito is one of those chicks in South Florida dedicated to getting shit from professional athletes in exchange for looking good in cocktail dresses and fucking them. Exposito attempted to get pregnant by former Miami Heat player Alonzo Mourning. It didn’t take. So she loaded up on Reggie Bush jizz and got herself a working fetus. Seeing as how Reggie Bush is happily marred, he had to come up with some QT cash to encourage Exposito to do the right thing. The platinum package abortion including a GoPro recording of the look on your baby’s face as the vacuum fires up. Like those gotcha pics at the bottom of Splash Mountain. Bush and Exposiito settled on three million dollars. Not bad for a fuck.

Exposito might be a contemptible twat, but she’s twice as smart as Bush because she worked him over like a cocky college kid at a table full of poker pros. She kept the cash and the unborn kid. Exposito’s currently shopping for new houses for herself and her bastard paycheck. You have to wonder how Norman Rockwell would’ve painted this America.

There’s probably a lesson buried somewhere in this story. Not impregnating a scheming whore comes to mind. Also, perfecting your Krav Maga abdomen punch. Also, maybe don’t give a sinister girl a suitcase full of cash based off a contract written on Twitter DMs. Now you’re fucked. It’s very hard to shake Bush league.