Lindsay Lohan Forgets Christmas

Here’s something to consider when apologizing to a town in London where you forgot to show up to light the central square Christmas tree, don’t send your apologies in an Instagram video from Bali. The city of Kettering north of London had booked the drunken ex-pat to flip the switch on their holiday lights. And by booked, they mean Lohan slurred out an insistence that she’d be there to some dude from Kettering at a club at 3am. Right after she insisted to three black dudes that she hated cops then threw up on their shoes. Lohan’s no show sent Kettering politicians into fits of feigned outrage:

I think that when you’re an international celebrity who says you’re going to do something then people expect you to do it. I think most of us thought that she wouldn’t actually come but I think there was a little bit of all of us that hoped she would.

Put away your knitted Yuletide dental dams, kids. She’s not coming. Everybody to bed. Stiff upper lip there, Ian. No tears.

Rather Lohan had fled to Bali in Indonesia where they beat their own women for baring ear lobe, but allow Lohan and her herpetic crew of Lost Boys to hunker down in tourist spots because everybody loves American dollars. Lohan insisted she needed the peace and serenity of the Indian Ocean beach to work on her next great book. Like Hemingway with a yeast infection.

Travelling sometimes leaves you speechless and in that silence, it leads you to greatness with a lot of stories to tell. – Lindsay Lohan (book coming soon)

If you believe Lindsay Lohan is writing a book then you also believe she’s showing up sober to you burgh’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Back to nine-finger hunt and peck, LiLo. There’s nothing more serene than typing the words “The End”.