Kristen Stewart Rankling the Lesbians

Because lesbian relationships necessarily involve two chicks you can always count on twice the crazy. It makes lesbian life rather dramatic when both people in a relationship might at any time light the other person’s possessions on fire or toss their shit in the street. Also, arcane revenge tattoos.

Because you knew there was going to be a massive dearth of news after the election, the British and American tabloids are now positing the meaning behind Cara Delevingne’s snake skeleton tattoo that runs up her fingers. Those same fingers that until recently pleasured her girlfriend, British singer St. Vincent who’s entire record collection you don’t own. St. Vincent, real name something you wouldn’t remember, ditched Delevingne for the arms and vagina of Kristen Stewart. What a fucking snake. Get it? By way of hint to lesbians, getting loaded and banging a fat chick won’t leave you with a forever tattoo of an animal skeleton on your fingers when getting over a breakup.

The rate at which Kirsten Stewart is stealing lesbian girlfriends is particularly unnerving to the scissor kissing sisters who intuitively know that Stewart is an opportunistic phony. They all hate their fathers and can’t stand their mothers trying to dress them like girls, but they haven’t all chosen lesbianism merely as a rebel list checkoff. Eventually, they’ll mount up in their vintage muscle cars and run her down. For now, Stewart’s the evil Western cattle baron taking all the pussy for herself. None of this matters until there are pictures.

_{Photo Credit: Elle China}