Extreme Home Makeover Worked Over

Imagine the collective spooging in the production offices of ABC’s Extreme Makeover Home Edition when charitable North Carolina parents of five adopted children and additional foster kids applied for a brand new home to replace their vastly overcrowded tear down. The Friday family were the perfect hour long tear jerker worthy of a brand new two-story house built in forty-eight pretend camera hours.

Thousand of volunteers from the area assembled to help build the big blended family a retreat while Ty Pennington stood on a crossbeam and texted racy messages to a guy he insisted was his bowling league buddy. Everybody cried. No more so than Devonda and James Friday who wept for the new hope this meant for their blended family. Until the cameras went away. Then they returned all the adopted and foster kids and fucked each other in each room of their fancy new house. 

This seems like a pretty shitty thing to do. Also a case of don’t hate the player, hate the game. When the idiot white dudes in the rented Range Rovers roll into town with a 4,000 square foot fully-furnished home, you rustle up yourself some troubled kids and you get yourself a free fucking house. It’s not so much worse than jaywalking or writing off that Vegas business convention. ABC got what they wanted. The Fridays got what they wanted. The kids maybe use this disheartening experience to become successful musical artists. Or homelessness, heroin, and lives of crime. The show was canceled. Now we’ll never know.