Charlie Sheen Keeps a Poem In His Heart

There are any number of feelings that might overcome a man to learn that his third ex-wife is off her meds and taking their twin second graders around Salt Lake City taverns in bare feet in search of UFOs. Calling the cops and your attorneys come to mind. Maybe booking the next Southwest to Utah to see your little kids. Naturally, there will be four stops.

Charlie Sheen’s wife was sent off to the rubber room while his kids were placed with the nanny because she’s the only one who can remember their middle names. Or to feed them. Dad skipped the in person visit and responded with a poem sent to People Magazine in its place:

“In the face of a roughshod and polar moment of unsanctioned divide, sanity and certainty were restored with grace and resolve. Immeasurable gratitude and love to a fellow yeoman of the apocalypse; sir Michael from that hamlet called Walters, need accept each and every Crimson palm-sting, as high fives rain upon his bitchen nobility, not just from this traveler, but from his safe and stable brood as well.”

Imagine how comforted the crack babies felt when dad’s poem arrived. Fuck you for complaining about your old man missing half your Little League games due to work.

Here’s some unsolicited advice for the ladies out there considering a man to father their children. Imagine a few years down the road. There’s some kind of natural disaster, the power is out, the water is rising, the children are screaming. Now picture this guy. What is he doing? If he’s snorting rails off the bare ass of a slender twink and penning shitty old English poetry, do not let him fuck you without a condom. Also, now, you don’t have The AIDS. Win win. Women with arrest records and drug addictions can do better if attractive.