Udonis Haslim Excludes Himself

Because jumping on socially correct bandwagons is America’s favorite sport, the Miami Heat’s Udonis Haslim assured Donald Trump and the breathlessly waiting world that there is no misogynistic or sexist talk in the Miami Heat locker room. You know, unlike what Trump said at the debate when he apologized for Miami Heat locker room talk. Most people who heard it understood the generality of the statement. Not to mention how Trump’s people likely tested out ten different potential phrases and “locker room talk” made the female research panel cringe the least, barely edging out “frat house rape room joshing”.

I joked about it and I laughed about it, but, yeah, no I didn’t appreciate it, to be completely honest. That’s not our locker-room talk. I don’t know Trump very well at all. But I don’t know who he’s played for in the last couple of years, to even say he’s been in anybody’s locker room to have those kinds of conversations. Has he played?”

Yes, Trump was the Hawks starting small forward the past three seasons. You and your teammates were super high and missed his wicked elbow jumper. Only people who’ve played in the Association may comment on locker room behavior.

Before universal cameras and gotcha sports journalism and the Internet, sports franchise locker rooms were disgusting. There are numerous lawsuits by female reporters to prove it. NBA millionaires know better now than to say untoward shit with a hot mic and a gossip sports blogger every ten inches. They say nothing to anybody. Shower, dress, and go beat their baby mamas. The NFL guys hook up with their gang posses. Not all, but enough to hesitate before getting holier than thou on an old dude who brags about being an irresistible pussy magnet. 

What the Trump sexist revulsion has really taught this country is that we are a nation hellbent on zero tolerance, self-righteousness, and hashtags to define our collective principles. Also, that half of the men in this nation are ass-covering cowards in the face of being labeled insensitive or unprogressive. Way to go men. The prevent defense was not designed for comebacks.

Haslim is the five millionth man to reassure America that he’s not sexist like Donald Trump. Since nobody is, why all the panic? Lord, give me fists to punch every shrinking violet. Or just a 103-inch flat screen to ignore them by. Meth as a backup.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}