Pamela Anderson Might’ve Killed WikiLeaks

Pamela Anderson was a busy beaver in London. In the morning she posted protest letters to the new British Prime Minister urging her to prohibit elephants from being used in circuses. In the afternoon, she brought a vegan lunch to Julian Assange in the Ecuadoran embassy where he’s been holed up for the past four years avoiding Hillary Clinton drone strikes. Also some sexual assault charges in Sweden. But who doesn’t have those pending?

It’s unclear why Anderson was bringing lunch to Assange, other than she loves attention and the chilly British air makes her fake nipples look especially vibrant. Assange’s health has become a major issue as he’s in his mid-forties but looks to be about 111 with a hundred year smoking habit. Also, his skin can now technically be described as translucent. If he could turn those Clinton emails and server hacks into dollars, Anderson would’ve brought more than just a tofu banh mi.

The very next morning WikiLeaks twitter account started pumping out weird 64-bit code causing everybody to believe Assange was dead. There was no basis for such a suggestion, but you start putting out cryptic messages anywhere on Twitter and people very open to suggestion will begin moving canned goods and mattresses down into the cellar.

When Kim Kardashian Instagrams a single word such as “Maybe”, millions of fat women chug five weeks worth of diet shakes and look to the skies for directions. There were always crazy people in this world. Thanks to social media you get to meet all of them at once.

WikiLeaks assured everybody that Assange wasn’t dead, he merely looks that way. They continued leaking out emails that prove Hillary Clinton and her pals to be a rat pack of Legion of Doom castoffs with little moral care for the journey. And the voters continue not to care because Trump told not one but five women that they’re too far for him to want to fuck. 

In a world where Pamela Anderson delivers meatless sandwiches to albino sex offender Internet vigilantes, this year’s election is still very fucking weird.

 _{Photo credit: Splash News}