Mariah Carey Won’t Fuck Before Marriage

Mariah Carey is quietly one of the worst people alive, so of course she wants a reality show. If it included a Myth Busters segment on whether or not she’s been injecting stuffed crust pizza filling into her tits I would definitely watch it. Perhaps Bill Nye could make an appearance and explain how it’s possible that they’re actually larger than her entire body, including the tits. She looks like a total nightmare who’d definitely steal the last mozzarella stick without asking.

According to Mariah’s people, she doesn’t have sex before marriage. So, her and her billionaire 49 year old boyfriend would only make out and slept in separate beds. If that’s true it’s much weirder than Michael Jackson buying the Elephant Man’s skeleton and pretty much anything John Wayne Gacy did. Carey’s traditional values didn’t stop her from spending $50,000 a month of the dude’s money. The fact he stayed with her for more than two dates without banging her means he’s a total fucking scrub. You don’t wear white on your wedding after you fucked the head of your record company although I’m guessing this policy didn’t apply to Tommy Mattola, hence your shitty career. Also you’ll clearly get pizza sauce on it. 

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