Kelly Clarkson Beats Nature

Kelly Clarkson had to be hospitalized both times she gave birth, a clear indicator that you’re out of shape. She clearly had a traumatic experience. First she had her tubes tied. There’s got to be a better way of saying that. I can’t help but picture those balloon animals at the theme park. It’s not fair. Then for good measure she made her husband get a vasectomy, meaning she’s declared an all-out war against further reproduction. You always hear how people are done having kids and then magically they’re rutting again. Not Clarkson. It appears she believes the miracle of childbirth is somewhat overrated. She told this to Jenny McCarthy, whose autistic son would probably be a superior radio host:  

“It’s horrible. Nothing is beautiful, nothing is magical. Whatever, you’re that person that gets that pregnancy, good for you. But I will remind my children every day of their lives what I did… There’s no way it can happen again.”

Clarkson stopped short of saying she regrets going through with it but let’s be honest. You’re kind of pissed when you can’t go get sushi anymore. Applebee’s is kid friendly. Your friends resent you as they’re gnawing on those chicken strips. People glare at you on the airplane. You can’t go see a grown-up movie anymore. Out of overcompensation you now can’t stop talking about the genius of Pixar. Fuck off, I just saw The Ridiculous Six with a fountain Coke spiked with Jim Beam. Who had a better time? Your nights are shot. You can’t sleep at night, nor in the morning. Sex is a nostalgic memory. The house smells like sour milk. That’s when all that miracle talk starts. We’re onto you. It’s good to learn from experience. Clarkson should be applauded for coming clean, nobody’s buying the happiness thing anyway. 

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