Julian Assange Back On Schedule

It’s amazing Julian Assange is still alive. You have to thank the crack security staff at the Ecuadorian embassy in London. They certainly got a boost in security team rankings thanks to Kim Kardashian’s rent-a-cop fail. Depending on which conspiracy theorist you believe, Hillary Clinton is either trying to drone strike Assange or smother him with her Parkinson’s quivering muffin. Truly, I made that second one up because somebody bet me I couldn’t use Parkinson’s quivering muffin in a sentence.

Assange and his WikiLeaks sunshine committee of one have been the primary distributor of leaked Hillary Clinton and DNC hacked emails over the past several months. Assange could be prosecuted, but if convicted, they just send you to a shitty South American country for punishment and technically he’s already there. Assange has been teasing at an “October surprise” release of information on Hillary Clinton for some time now. Previous leaks detailed her incompetence, corruption, and the fact that she preferred Huma to use the diet mayonnaise in their jointly consumed tuna sandwiches in bed at night. But nothing fatal.

Assange’s big announcement was set for Tuesday, October 4th from the balcony of the embassy. Like Evita. Or somebody super duper gay and dramatic. Numerous news organizations cited the intense security concerns. Like Hillary on the roof of Buckingham Palace with a shoulder fired sidewinder. That woman works-through her physical maladies in times of crisis. NBC News reported the announcement had been canceled. Mostly because somebody in the Clinton campaign ordered them to do so. The Fourth Estate more like tenant farmers these days. But updated information from Assange is that he’s still on for the 4th, only he’ll be live streaming through a press conference in Berlin. That makes no sense, but maybe he took some shares in Skype. 

Nobody knows what will be in the bombshell release of leaks, but you can count on it being (a) underwhelming, (b) diminished immediately by the Clinton campaign, every single national news outlet and celebrity comedian within seconds, and (c) have zero effect on the outcome of the election. That fake laugh means you have but seconds to get to the safe room. Run, Julian, run!

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