Hillary Clinton Glass Ceiling Analogies Causing Some to Achieve Their First Real Orgasm

Among the frothier set of Clinton devotees, perhaps no self-described news outlet has flicked its collective bean so fast and furious as The Huffington Post. The super diverse all-white female millennial editorialists of the impassioned lady blog have been creaming in their more comfortable to wear boy pants over the prospects of a female President. As with all other partisan supporters in this vapid election cycle, they’re going to wake up on November 9th with an apple-tini hangover and a sudden realization that not a single thing has changed. Your boyfriend still asks permission before he touches you and your dad still wished you’d had testicles and a decent lefty throwing arm.

Senior Politics Editor (read as, twenty-something, follows @CNN on Twitter) Paige Lavender noted gleefully how Hillary Clinton will be hosting her election night likely celebration at the Javits Convention Center in Manhattan. The building literally has a glass ceiling. “Talk about symbolism” Lavender notes, in case you prefer your on the nose references even more spoon-fed and smooshed up into your gaping maw.

Lavender follows in a great line of millions of women from coast to coast, though almost entirely on the coasts, who believe that it’s time for a female President. Any female will do. Just fucking pick one and we’ll pretend she’s amazing at everything. Honest, hardworking, selfless, sturdy, excellent hummers. You could ask them to name Hillary Clinton’s top three achievements and they will retort with a charge of sexism in the stead of any reasonable answer. There is no reasonable answer. This isn’t about intellectual honesty. This is about electing a woman. The campaign slogan is literally I’m With Her. Not, I’m With Hillary Clinton. Any her will do. This will change everything.

Wake up the day after the Cavaliers or the Indians win the title and you’re still living in Cleveland. No offense, Cleveland. You actually have three accomplishments. Just saying. This is the stuff heavily parsed dreams are made of.

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