Captain Planet Is Coming Back Because You Know Why

In the early 1990’s Ted Turner got behind a tirelessly didactic animated superhero series intend to encourage kids to become environmentalists. Also, not smoke or steal people’s wallets. You know, like kids who don’t sort their recycling are apt to do.

People refer to Captain Planet and the Planateers as successful because it ran for several years on TBS without noting that the “T” in TBS is for the billionaire Turner who championed the show. Your own work is also largely revered by your grandmother. Put that on your LinkedIn and see how far it gets you in interviews.

Our world is in peril. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the terrible destruction plaguing our planet. She gives five magic rings to five special young people. From Africa, Kwame with the power of earth. From the North America, Wheeler with the power of fire. From the Soviet Union, Linka with the power of wind. From Asia, Gi with the power of water and from South America, Ma-Ti with the power of heart. With the five powers combined they summon earth’s greatest champion – CAPTAIN PLANET!

The spirit of the Earth was played by Whoopi Goldberg who contrived Heart as a fifth element so that the Spanish speaking countries could be represented. The kids all came up against polluters too powerful for merely their United Colors of Benetton efforts. At the climax of each episode they non-sexually merged rings to call upon the Megazord rip off Captain Planet, to world of garbage. It was something for Turner to promote in between sailboat races and thanking the first Gulf War for saving CNN.

Reports are that Leonardo DiCaprio is behind efforts to produce a feature length Captain Planet movie. 

Sources say the story takes place years after the adventures of the show, with the Captain now a washed-up has-been who needs the kids more than they need him.

Thereby merging DiCaprio’s two loves: surface level environmentalism and trying to re-create roles in the fashion of Jack Nicholson agonizing characters. Both loves coming after banging the snot out of Victoria’s Secret models, but Captain Planet is too ill from greenhouse gases to engage in copulation. Poor Cap’n.

Since Hollywood is rebooting and remaking every single cartoon and movie the least bit successful from thirty years ago, it was only a matter of time before the carbon offsetting Captain Planet came around. No word yet if Whoopi Goldberg will start shooting up H to prep for a return as Gaia. If she can commit, I’ll buy a ticket.