Ashley Olsen Has A Type

The Olsen twins had the will to live sucked out of them well before they hit puberty. The two of them now walk around looking way too thin and like they literally would feel nothing if they were attacked by a giant bat. Imagine all the things they simply can’t do because as one year olds they were busy listening to Bob Saget’s on-set pussy fart jokes. Read a novel. Ride a bike. Make scrambled eggs. Do laundry. Mail a letter. Say I love you. They have now been reincarnated as Anne Frank. For some reason they exclusively have sex with old men. Don’t do the math, we all know where it’s going and frankly it’s just depressing. Ashley Olsen is reportedly dating some guy named Richard Sachs. Sachs is a Wall Street guy who’s into fashion, art, spin classes, and dying his hair. He’s most certainly a gay guy, meaning he probably really enjoys Full House reruns for their campy Americana. The ones where his then one year old lady friend is showing visible whip marks. According to an anonymous source: 

“He has a lot of money from working in ­finance. He’s a great guy who owns a lot of art. I believe he’s in his late 50s. He’s always at the art parties.”

If you work on Wall Street and your last name is Sachs we’ll go ahead and assume you have a lot of money. Eccentric creeps who are big in the art world are rarely self made. In fact nobody is going to listen to your bitch ass talk about some shitty painting unless you’re worth well over a billion. It’s unclear what these two are doing dating each other but assume they both have their separate motivation outside of the extremely awkward anal sessions. Therapy’s a loss at this point. It’s one of those situations where everyone agrees they should have done something and then orders another martini. You and Macaulay Culkin need to get together and lick each other’s wounds, we’re all hoping for it. Sachs can watch. 

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