Megan Rapinoe Cock Blocked

Human nature requires people to battle incessantly over largely symbolic issue. It’s how lower order primates who have no time for inane shit can still feel superior despite evolutionary disadvantages. The ‘standing or sitting for the National Anthem’ debate is the current empty vessel of cataclysmic import. If Colin Kaepernick has raised any issue, it’s not that black dudes raised on Wisconsin dairy farms by white parents can’t support Black Lives Matter, it’s that it’s super easy to become emotionally embroiled in largely insignificant media driven events. 

Megan Rapinoe who is redundantly both gay and a professional women’s athlete has joined Colin Kaepernick in taking a knee during the National Anthem. Her conscious speaks to her thusly. Also, it’s nice to be noticed between World Cups. Rapinoe’s first such gesture before the Seattle Reign mega soccer match against the Chicago Fire stunned the nearly no people in attendance at the match. Also no people at home not watching on the not broadcast sport. Rapinoe insisted she would continue her kneeling at future games. This allowed her next opponent, the Washington Spirit, to preempt her slacktivism by quick-playing the anthem over the P.A. while Rapinoe was still in the locker room trying on various restrictive sports bras. Powned. 

Both teams issued press releases written in shitty English by the substandard professionals who have chosen economically unviable women’s soccer franchises as their employers.

We understand this may be seen as an extraordinary step, but believe it was the best option to avoid taking focus away from the game on such an important night for our franchise. While we respect every individual’s right to express themselves, and believe Ms. Rapinoe to be an amazing individual with a huge heart; we respectfully disagree with her method of hijacking our organization’s event to draw attention to what is ultimately a personal — albeit worthy — cause.

It’s unclear if you’re defending your position or inviting Rapinoe to make out. Either way, even if accidentally, you’ve solved the National Anthem issue quite simply. If you insist on a patriotic ditty before sporting events, do so before the players take the field. Nobody can take umbrage at this solution. I mean, everybody will, because they’re bored, but this is logically a real solution.

Social justice outrage can finally return to its proper forum in arbitrarily invented hashtags on Twitter. Kaepernick can pantomime the entire Michael Brown store robbery and police shooting on the sidelines. He has sixty minutes free every game this season. Win-win. Thank you, women’s soccer. You’ve done it again.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}

_{Photo credit: Splash News}