Naked Mongolians Means the Olympics Are Finally Fucking Over

Usain Bolt set all kinds of epic Olympic records. The sum total of his races was about forty seconds. It’s unclear what happened the other two weeks and two days of Olympic sporting events. There seemed to be a lot of chicks in hijabs. The Quran is pretty specific about women covering their head when playing beach volleyball on the beach in Rio.

That young British diver dude had to endure the NBC camera panning over to his noticeably older gay fiancee, American screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, and pretend it was super inspirational and normal. If Gabby Douglas had a middle-aged balding boyfriend in the stands, there would’ve been ixnay on the creepy old dude orders from coming from the truck.

It’s finally fucking over. The Refugee Team can go back to the Hilton in Ankara. There were crappy fixed judges scoring. Hardly isolated to the Olympic Games. Have you never seen the NBA manipulate their way to a Game 7 Finals? Keep your pants on, Mongolia. We only let you have an Olympic team so you’ll bring a dozen patsies for the A-list nations to beat. Bronze medals in wrestling aren’t the same as indoor plumbing. 

Everybody has four years to figure out something better to do than try to score prostitutes in Tokyo mid to late Summer. There’s no way Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black are still a darling couple in 2020.