Lochte Loses Speedo

Speedo pulled out of Lochte. That’s a huge blow for a swimmer because you’ve got Speedo, pool crabs disinfectants and goggles. If your goal is to be a full-time professional swimmer, and why not because real jobs suck and you can’t eat eight sit down meals a day, you need Speedo. The Spandex cock highlighting apparel company issued a bold statement on corporate covering of asses:

Speedo USA today announces the decision to end its sponsorship of Ryan Lochte. As part of this decision, Speedo USA will donate a $50,000 portion of Lochte’s fee to Save The Children, a global charity partner of Speedo USA’s parent company, for children in Brazil. While we have enjoyed a winning relationship with Ryan for over a decade and he has been an important member of the Speedo team, we cannot condone behavior that is counter to the values this brand has long stood for. We appreciate his many achievements and hope he moves forward and learns from this experience.

Lochte embellished a Rio gas station drunken escapade. He didn’t rape Amazonian boys. Why are you donating fifty grand to the City of God slum kids? They’re never going to swim. It’s an niche country club white guy sport like almost every other one Rio hosted for the past sixteen days.

Build Lochte Field where kids can play soccer for three months of photo ops before it’s withered into some barren patches of grass and styrofoam cup torn crosses for the dead drug cartel members buried beneath. Brazil is the Lochte of nations. Neither can be fixed with fifty grand and a handshake.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}