Rio Seems Ready, Part Eleven

As the world turns its eyes to Rio for the grand unveiling of the Third World Olympics, there are continued signs that the lawless post-colonial slum town isn’t quite prepared. Decapitated bodies and robberies are one thing. Crime stats are easily fudged. Zika babies linger, but you put a nice crocheted hat on their diminutive domes and nobody even screams in fear until kindergarten. Non-working toilets, that people are going to notice. The Australian Olympic team has announced they can’t stay in the Olympic village because the plumbing and wiring in their housing is best described as ‘So Rio”.

Olympics organizers assured the Australians that crews had been sent in to fix the plumbing, electrical, and leaking gas issues. But it’s hard to fool the white man who travels in flying bird from far away lands:

“Last night (Saturday), we decided to do a “stress test” where taps and toilets were simultaneously turned on in apartments on several floors to see if the system could cope once the athletes are in-house. The system failed. Water came down walls, there was a strong smell of gas in some apartments and there was ‘shorting’ in the electrical wiring.”

To be fair, that sounds like every apartment I ever lived in before age twenty-five. You put the athletes with the GI tract issues on the lower floors. Shit flows down. Like new, Governor. 

Everybody who can afford to do so is staying in private accommodations where the street urchins leave mints behind after stealing your passports and traveler’s cheques. There are numerous first world cities that short of wild-eyed Muslims with strap-ons, are relatively sane and safe. The IOC carried away their duffle bags filled with non-local currency and left everybody else mired in the quicksand. It’s almost charming how blatantly corrupt they are. The Rio Games seems like a lot of death for kayaking and horseback riding. This could’ve been done over Skype.

Update: The Mayor of Rio has offered to buy the Australians a kangaroo to feel more comfortable in the Olympic village. Shortly after his announcement, the kangaroo was kidnapped, vivisected and sold to a sexual stamina powder factory in China.

Another Update: New Zealand Jiu-Jitsu athlete Jason Lee was kidnapped in Rio by men dressed halfheartedly as cops who forced him to withdraw money from an ATM. We’re going to need more kangaroos.