Charlie Sheen Still Winning

Charlie Sheen just picked up a condom endorsement which is akin to Melissa McCarthy doing a spot for lettuce. Just weeks ago he was supposedly moving to Mexico to cure his AIDS with arthritic goat milk and become the modern day Elvis Sighting and now he’s talking about returning to television. He’s also not having as much unprotected sex with unsuspecting strangers as he used to: 

“There’s nobody special right now, I’m not dating. I got my hands full with dealing with my health, taking care of my family.”

There’s never been anyone special. Two of your ex-wives were insane whores and the other one threatened to kill you while filming a DP scene across town. Also how would this dating thing potentially work? You’re busy creating a tax haven to protect your kids from your money and are arguably the most famous HIV positive person on the planet. Magic Johnson too, but he has a job where as your occupation appears to be exclusively talking about your HIV to shitty tabloid shows like Extra. On top of that you’re a drug addict with anger issues and fake hair and teeth and a compulsion for cheating on the love of your life with male prostitutes. If we did one of those bachelor auctions you might get picked last behind Phil Spector. Some chicks will do anything to avoid a day job but that hostessing gig is looking pretty sweet right now. 

_{Photo Credit: Extra}