Photoshopped Elton John and Lady Gaga Are Selling Athleisure Wear

Elton John and Lady Gaga are teaming up to teach the world about compassion and bravery through the sale stretch pants and casual tops at Macy’s. Anchor stores at the mall are the new ground zero for cultural progress. Also for pretending that cheese on a stick isn’t going to kill you faster than the Muslim kid down the block who can’t get laid. Lady Gaga was present at the Macy’s flagship store in Manhattan to celebrate the new Love Bravery line along with David Furnish, Elton John’s husband who he sent as his emissary because that Million Dollar Piano doesn’t play itself. Unless it does. John sent a note:

[Love Bravery] is the compassion on the inside to understand someone’s fears, and the bravery on the outside to stand up for them, and for yourself: to accept others for who they are and to be who you want to be.

Lady Gaga took more time, carefully considered her words, but couldn’t do any better:

We need to make the world a kinder and braver place where men and women everywhere are empowered to live with compassion.

A bell rang to signal the opening of sales as Elton John and Lady Gaga reminded shoppers that mass consumerism was the key to empathy. Twenty-five percent of sales will go to the two singers’ self-named charities while the other seventy-five percent will go toward something not altruistic enough to mention in the press release. Givers give. Buy a hoodie or they’ll start over-sharing. Only wealthy celebrities had it shitty in high school. 

_{Photo credit: Splash News}