Behold the Gwyneth Paltrow Golden Dildo

When you think of Gwyneth Paltrow, you think of hot unbridled sloppy sex. Or the girlfriend who looks on disapprovingly while you’re watching porn of the same. Paltrow’s elite shopping site Goop is merchandising sex toys for women who get off paying ten times retail markup. You’re going to want something nice to shove up your twat during the decades your husband is out fucking somebody less pushy. The Inez dildo is the most elite unit out there. It’ll run you fifteen grand. The name itself is trademarked, so if you’re forging gold plated fake dicks, you need to come up with a different name.

The fake commenters on the product site both give it maximum stars. One notes that it’s made of metal which conducts heat, sending her to the moon. As a woman it’s so very difficult to find something warm to plunge into your vagina. Men will only hurt you. Like the last one who you skimmed for fifteen grand to afford the world’s fanciest precious metals cock. Enough is enough. Have Shoeshine Boy verify the authenticity of the dildo with a bite and get down to the business of self-fucking. This is the closest you’ll ever get to being Gwyneth Paltrow.