Ozzy Osbourne Still Fucking After All These Years

Sources confirm the worst about Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne’s relationship: 

At this time Ozzy is not at the marital home

A bit formal considering the couple have split several times before. That’s not even counting the episodes of Ozzy wandering off for several days believing it’s 1971 and he’s late for his gig at the Royal Albert Hall. Can’t find me pants.

Ozzy is apparently fucking his forty-five year old hairdresser. Settling for the stylist either shows that he’s Clinton strong on attainable types or that having to get up out of a chair to locate sex seems like a chore. Sharon Osbourne called in sick to her talk show you have to watch when you’re waiting to pick somebody up at the hospital. Her fellow hosts on The Talk kept bringing up the Osbourne split but only to remind people they weren’t going to talk about it. Corpses are for feasting. None of these ladies are living past four more plastic surgeries.

Life and hard drug addictions have not always been kind to the Osbournes. As a family they suffer from numerous medical maladies ranging from incontinence to really fucking bad incontinence. Also whatever Kelly has that makes her think hanging out with supermodels will make her feel more attractive. Ozzy cheated death. Now the Reaper’s just slow fucking with him and his family. All you can pray for is to never wake to find Ozzy laying on top of you wriggling his hips like an arthritic Schnauzer. He’s twenty years past his last erection but cum still stains leather.

_{Photo credit: (cover) Pacific Coast News (embed) Miche Salon LA}