Ozzy Osbourne Ends Affair

There’s been a lot of speculation that this Ozzy Osbourne affair saga is a publicity stunt cooked up by Sharon Osbourne over a vat of witches brew. A key piece of supporting evidence would be his official announcement today that he ended his affair. When is the last time that happened? Who even leaked this less than desirable piece of information in the first place? Certainly it wasn’t Ozzy or the hair slut. Sharon also stayed home from taping her horrendous television show after the initial news broke, leading to a brief estrogen spike for her technically sentient audience.

Ozzy has a new tour coming up. The story used to be he bit the head off of a bat. Now he’s cheating with his stylist. With that you can measure the direction our culture is headed and it mostly entails talking about restaurants with your fat wife you don’t like. Now he should really fuck all her friends and threaten her with exposing the lie. Sounds like a decent Lifetime movie, enjoy it on the couch with dick in the dresser. Get out to the bar while guys are still allowed inside.

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